but i guess it's just a place for me to vent.

i don't feel like capitalizing any letters.

moving on, i'm really tired, and for the first time in weeks, maybe i'll actually get sleep. work is hectic. long days. there's no time to see my lover at home. i feel so distant from him sometimes.

he cares more about his video game than me. i miss the old guy i loved.

i still love him though, and i want things to work.

i guess these things just take time, right?

i feel better from this tiny vent. oh, and we saw the marital counselor today. let's hope things start looking up.

goodnight.

Here goes nothing. And I mean it. Nothing.

On my drive home, there was a helicopter flying high above me, floating into the sunset, becoming a spec in the sky. I could hear it over my music, beating like my heart a thousand times a second. I turned road after road, passed through the lights and pulled down my visor so the sun wouldn't hurt my eyes.

Parked my car, and fussed with the keys to get in to my apartment. Threw down my belongings next to the mess he left that morning, and just sat in the silence of our new home. Our new home. Why do I feel as though I'm the only one working hard to make it seem like our home? Our neatly organized unique home sweet fucking home?

Anyway, I'm listening to Bright Eyes on my playlist of sadness, and it's kind of helping to let all this disgusting pain out of my system onto a wesite that somoene might reply to and pretend to care.

I feel like I have a huge scab, and I keep picking it open. Except the scab is my happiness covering the bleeding sadness. Does that even make fucking sense? Is it this normal to be sad and write things about scabs and blood and pain and hating myself and my life and everything I've ever chosen to do for my future?

I pick my happiness off because I kinda miss the pain that is the blood shed under the scab, so I just keep picking. And when it becomes a scar, it's just that pain sticking to me forever, never fading.

This is fucking dumb, I just compared my emotions to a fucking scab!

Okay, moving on. I feel even better though now, than I did before the last paragraph. Bright Eyes. Download them, now.

*sigh* Wow, what a long pointless entry. Ha. Um...

Where'd my writing go? I thought I had something good to put down on this blog thing.

Write me some feedback? Or not.

You know that feeling you get when you take 15 minutes picking just the right movie to rent that will move you when you sit at home and watch it? The movie that you hope makes you think afterwards? I picked one tonight. I actually picked 4. Two romantic comedies, and two action type movies. But one that I just finished watching, it made me think.

'The Brave One'

In this movie, a woman that Jodie Foster plays as Erica is just about to get married. She's madly in love with her fiance, and they're out walking the dog in New York City. They reach a tunnel, and kiss for a moment. The dog runs through the tunnel, and so they go after him. A small group of some sort start messing with them, and then Erica and her fiance are attacked. She makes it alive, and her future husband doesn't make it. She is alone, and finds that she wants to seek justice. She feels as though she's lost herself, and has become a diferent person. A stranger. She buys a gun. For protection? Or to get back at the people that ruined her life and took her lover away? In the movie, she seeks justice. And it really made me love the person in my life twice as much, and that he could be gone at any moment.

This movie made me miss my husband, who is currently out of state with a friend. It made me remember that if something doesn't go right and I feel the need to say something to him, to just bite my tongue and remember that it wouldn't make a difference to correct him on what I believe he does wrong, but to just look into his kind eyes, and love every hair on his head and every flaw he has come to have. And it made me want to light a candle and just lay in my bed and think completely of my lover, and everything that I adore in him. And the candle that I'd light would be for all of the poeple out there that have lost someone to a tragedy.

...I hope that if you are with someone that you love, someone that makes your butterflies flutter when you lock lips, that you remember how much you love them when you have a fight. And that at least death doesn't seperate you from that person...that love holds you together firmly...

Goodnight.